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Eva Hussain

Eva Hussain

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How is anyone ever going to adore your charming-as-fudge personality if you don’t let your true self shine?

Home / How is anyone ever going to adore your charming-as-fudge personality if you don’t let your true self shine?

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  • The solstice triggered in me a need to purge. I've been slowly going through everything we have, and I do mean every thing, to clean out all that stuff that no longer serves me. When I got to my closet, I sighed. No wonder I never open this, I thought, it's full of clothes for someone else. Because as I looked at the clothes in there, they really were for another person, another me who lived a different life. And I was stuck in thinking that I still wanted to be that person – I'd been desperately trying to be her but miserably failing. Because no matter how I turned myself, I just couldn't fit into that old mould any more.⁠
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I realised that I have to let go. I have to release that person as a goal for myself because there's no sense in going back. Both my body and my mind have outgrown those clothes that clearly belong to a person who works among other people and is very concerned about how she looks and what kind of an impression she makes. There is no way I can fit this be-as-you-will wild woman that's taken over my waking hours into that life anymore. Because she refuses to apologise and make herself small. She is so much better at brushing off what others think of her than I ever was. Her relentless commitment to moving forward, with the change rather than against it, isn't something I can resist even if I wanted to. It scares me, sure, but she's shown me how it is necessary.⁠
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She's also taught me that I sacrifice my own needs to easily. And that rather than being caring, I just end up martyring myself. Taking care of myself isn't selfish, it's sensible. And the little stuff really matters. So, this was one of the tees I bought for myself because it was time. It was time to let go of all the stretched-out, broken shirts and pants I lived in at home. I've cut up all of those old ones to make rag mats, so I don't even feel bad about getting rid of them. They're going on to a new life as I can go on to mine.⁠
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And I cannot describe the satisfaction I feel when I put this tee on. Not just because it's new and stain-free and unbroken. But because it's so me. Not an old version of me that I try to pull on like a pair of jeans from when I was 8.
  • Sometimes living with cats is not unlike living with drug addicts. I got up today at 3:45 am because I was so hot I couldn't sleep. I fixed the temperature and drank some water. When I finally sunk back into sleep 45 mins later, I was woken up by a noisily containing cat that she was hungry. She was simultaneously going *hyuk, hyuk, hyuk* to vomit. I got up, she started leading me to the kitchen, all the while complaining and vomiting. As she walked she stopped to hurl. Kept walking, it didn't even interrupt her constant strain of complaints. Hurled again. More foam and bile. She'd refused to touch her dinner then, I thought. At the time I wasn't sure, but that was confirmed at 4:30 am. Hurled one more time, barely eve breaking her stride. Took me to her bowl and licked it to prove to me how empty it was. Put a bit of dry food for them both so she wouldn't vomit again when the bile started piling up again. Had to stay up and guard that they both ate their own food and didn't go visiting the other's bowl to check if that side got something better. After retracing her meandering vomit-strewn path to clean it all up, I was ready to fall into bed, but I smelled something utterly fowl on my way back. Traced it to its source and found poop smeared all over the litter box, up the side and on the floor. Oh joy. Cleaned that up as stealthily as possible, didn't want to add a tired, crying 4 yo into the mix. Finally ensconced in my blanket and sinking into sleep, an incessant "open the blanket" request pierced my shoulder. Ugh, why didn't I cut those claws yesterday. After the request being grumpily denied 4 more times, it (I don't even know which one it was) finally gave up and left. And I was finally left to get whatever sleep was left to me. Having cats isn't that unlike having small, furry junkies. 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ 
#cats #lifewithcats #catlady #nosleep #catladyproblems
  • Not a revelation, an important reminder. Every year it feels like the snow has a heavy quality to it, and it dampens me down to the point of not having much to contribute. I sit here, toying with my words, and find that I don't have a lot in me to share.

Maybe the work-from-home lockdown arrangement is also wearing on me (I'm so used to being alone for a big part of the day) but most of all I miss being outside. With the snow comes the cold, and so my outings beyond these four walls is limited to ones where I can go to and from the car in the shortest possible distance.

I used to go out in cold much worse than this – go to school, to work, to hobbies – but also paid a high price in allergic reactions and the infections that followed. So, like a good little girl, I confine my body though it also feels like I'm confining my mind.

I work to let go of the perfect because, intellectually, I understand that it's unattainable. Done is better than perfect. And so I turn my attention to achieving one of the goals I've set and prioritised for myself this year: to have a passive income product.

Maybe ironically, it's a money mindset workshop. Which I have imaginatively named Money Mindset Workshop. I've recently begun writing about the challenges empaths and women typically have around money. And as I wrote I realised that I have, in my own inner work, uncovered some important truths. Truths that extend beyond me. Truths that hold true for other women as well.

So, I wrote some more. Uncovered some more old, repeating patterns. And found I knew the process for how to connect the dots, reveal the habits and break the patterns. And I knew that I would have welcomed a guiding hand, to take me through that work, to stand by me as I excised those buried bones, to remind me that I'm capable of taking the next step and starting a new journey which isn't laden with the beliefs of old.

So, I create this guide, this journey. An email course because I communicate best in writing, and by inference, am best received by those who read. I create this because the world needs more rich women. Because rich women will change the world. And because we can't afford to wait any longer.
  • Though it's-22°C outside, I stuck my hand between these two and it was a little furnace in there 🔥
#orientalshorthaircat #orangetabby #orientalcat #orientalshorthairofinstagram #holdinghands #cosyandwarm
  • Pic 1 is his normal "Henlo, I fren, no eat me" way to sit. Pics 2 & 3 are what we call his Tigger sit. Where he pulls himself up, tucks himself in and and arranges his paws in a row. Often he also pulls in his chin and looks up at a slight angle,which makes him look like a minor official from the tax office.

#cat #cats #catlover #catlady #catsofinstagram #crazycatlady #orientalshorthaircat #oriental #orientalcat #orientalshorthairofinstagram #orientalshorthair #allsortsoffancy
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