My open journal

Waiting is infuriating3 min read

This is a new thought: generosity doesn’t mean free. So, to be generous you don’t have to give stuff away for free. You can, but you don’t have to.

More important is to think, how can I show up in the world in a meanigful and thoughtful way?

I’m still confounded about how i can make my writing more narrative than facts and reserach based. I really want to show up mroe on my blog because I feel like socia media is a total drain for me.

And is that surprising?

I mean I hate parties, and social media feels like one of those all-night untz untz untz kind of parties. Or maybe that’s just how I need to start viewing it and adjust my existence there accordingly.

What I really want to do is show up on my blog and in my emails. Email feels so much more intimate than social media, like meeting up with a friend in a coffee house for a chitchat. And I really want to show up more there because I value one-on-one connection (and am so much better at it) than I do crowded parties.

But one issue I have with writing on the blog is that I don’t know what constitues write-worthy stuff. How do I choose what to write about?

Right now I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. Because nothing remotely interesting is happening in my life.

I want to move but that’s not yet. I want to have a garden and a spinning wheel and horses but none of that is happening right now and it feels infuriating to wait and wait and wait.

Why isn’t it changing faster? Why can’t I just wish I had something and simply go out and buy it? A house, horses, a bigger car, nice clothes, whatever!

Change – and waiting for change – feels so infuriating. It’s like an itch that you can’t scratch. Like how the inside of my gums always start itching when I’m recovering from a flu and nothing I do can make it stop itching, not rubbing the gums on the outside, not clenching my teeth together. All I can do is wait for it to go away.

Am I healing right now?

Not from the flu because I’ve not been sick, but has my soul been sick and I just don’t have enough distance from it to realise that’s what’s happening? Is this infuriating feeling actually a healing?

Or am I just going crazy? Or maybe I’m being childish in my impatience as I torment myself by watching other people have what I’d love to have on social media. Maybe I should just cut that out completely.

Would I be better of without social media?

Or maybe the better question is: is consuming social media content taking away from me showing up in the world in a meaningful way?

Probably.

Damn.

What occupies my mind most these days is that it seems so impossible to go from here, where I am today, to a farm with animals. Or even having horses. Or even from here to having a running business that’s making money every month. A business that’s profitable and allows me to grow both it and myself.

But then again, success isn’t instant and I need to keep the faith in that this will grow and become bigger. That this way of me showing up in the world is meaningful and that it does matter.

I just need to keep doing it even when I feel like I’m not making any progress. Because the most important thing is to keep showing up and doing the work.

Creativity is not a feeling, it’s an action.

So, take action, you sodding fool. And keep taking it again and again.

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